What living in a highly critical environment can do to a minister

Between the ages of 18 and 25, I lived in a highly critical environment. This started at Bible College, where every statement and behaviour went under a theological microscope. This wasn’t helped by being the youngest student there and coming from a very different cultural and church background to most to of the student body. Every decision, behaviour, clothing choice, reading book, and opinion seemed to be fair game (all in the pursuit of holiness, of course).

After this the feeling of constant criticism grew worse.

I went to work for a church in a very wealthy and conservative part of London where every detail was critiqued constantly as a matter of course. Complaints were part of the everyday, and not just against me. It was part of this church’s culture. If you preached on a Sunday morning, for instance, you would expect a considerable amount of ‘feedback’ whoever you were. I received critical emails, phone-calls, and third hand comments every week. Sometimes every day.

There was a weird expectation that this was a normal part of a minster’s life. Habitual feedback from any and all sources, over any pedantic reason, without any respect given to ‘proper channels’ or working hours, was seen as normal. Whether feedback was delivered with any empathy, kindness, or care simply didn’t matter. It was part of my job to receive it well and act on it immediately.

Working like this for seven years created very specific – and tiring – habits in me, that I’ve been working on ever since. A chip on the shoulder is certainly part of it. But more than that has come an irrational fear of feedback, a tendency to want to ‘duck away’ after leading something, an inability to let an issue go lest it fester and bite again later, the constant need to prove myself, and the more devastating temptation to people-please.

A highly critical environment pushes you to please people rather than Jesus a matter of survival. You really do just try and get out of meetings, or services, or phone calls alive. When you actively choose to try and please Jesus rather than critical people, it can feel like a dangerous act of rebellion. This is a weird position for a minister of the gospel to find themselves in while in a Christian environment.

Although receiving and using constructive feedback to grow is an essential skill for a minster to learn, a constant barrage of inconsistent criticism from a broad range of sources without a healthy balance of encouragement is just damaging. It doesn’t really matter how much of that feedback is true or even helpful; anything good is simply swallowed up by a far darker and more pressing whole.

When I think of what I went through in that time, it’s hard to explain exactly ‘what’ it was that happened that was so bad. One of the things I’ve discovered though, is it’s not just significantly traumatic events that cause trauma. A constant and relentless onslaught of picking at and picking on can produce exactly the same thing. Death by a thousand papercuts.

When every single conversation has subtext, and every person comes with the residual residue of gossip, then you find yourself having to navigate people far more than you relate to them.

As a result, you make decisions through personal damage-control rather than healthy maturity and wisdom. It’s not a good look.

So maybe two things: First, if you’re going to complain, critique, or feedback then please learn to do it well. Second, if you find yourself regularly on the receiving end of a lot of mixed critique, find a couple of godly people to hold you accountable. These are people who should challenge you and push you to grow, but in a clear relationship of love. Lean on those people and prioritise their feedback.

Ok, maybe three things – one more. If you are in a relentlessly critical environment, get out. Just get out. Finding a new job will be much easier than the years it’ll take to rebuild your spirit. Trust me.

I’m blessed now to have a good job with good people in my life – who have been patient with my healing process and have challenged me out of bad habits with a whole lot of grace. But I’m still working on this 10-15 years after the fact. It still makes me less effective as a minister today than I could be. It still makes me less inclined to trust people. It still makes me more tempted to please people rather than Jesus. It’s not a good look.

Photo by Usman Yousaf on Unsplash