Archive for month: June, 2020

I’m not really a hater. I don’t ‘hate’ a lot of things and certainly not people. I find the feeling of hate pretty soiling, so I’ve always been really wary of it manifesting itself in me. Frankly, I’m far more inclined to fear than hate. There is something, however, that I hate. Truly hate with a capital H. Something that makes me feel completely helpless, desperate and flailing – and that’s a lack of closure.

This might be the control freak in me, it might be the ADD talking, and it might just be a sign of how immature I am, and just how far I’ve got yet to grow as a leader, but I really struggle with lose ends. A lack of closure, or the inability to fix something, drives me completely and utterly nuts. It’s usually involves me powerlessly thinking that I’ve destroyed something… or someone.

Hi, my name is Tim, and I am a fixer. I need to fix things, I need to sort things out, I need to constantly feel that I have clarity. I always have. It verges on a compulsion or an obsession. It has given me many sleepless nights, many long, pointless and repetitive conversations with myself, and it has bought me more tears than any single traumatic event that I’ve lived through. It is stress incarnate in me.

I’d even go as far to say that this (a little like boredom… again, ADD) physically hurts me. It’s like an injury that can take months, if not years to heal, and even then it never ‘feels right’.

I know this is not unique to me and it’s certainly not rare in ministry. This is, however, a crippling issue to have as a leader.

However, sometimes I just cannot fix stuff.

Sometimes things are just so broken, or bridges are so thoroughly burned, that there is just absolutely nothing I can do.

Sometimes things are just messy, and sometimes things just suck.

Sometimes people leave, throw in a grenade, and run, leaving you in the chaos that follows with no chance to even understand what happened, let alone try and put it right. Sometimes the absolute best we can do is – just – not – enough.

I’ve tried all kinds of personality changes, mindfulness techniques, mantras, habits, cognitive redirecting – nothing has quite worked… apart from one thing. And herein lies the most important lesson that I’ve ever learned in almost 15 years of youth ministry; the lesson that I would tell my younger self, and the lesson I’ll always share with youth workers whether they want to hear it or not. Here it is:

I am NOT the Holy Spirit.

I am not the Holy Spirit. I am not God’s holy and divinely appointed, sovereign, omnipotent and omniscient instrument for change.

I am not the counsellor, the healer, helper, the judge, the voice of God, the empowerer, or even the fixer. That is just not my job.

I’m certainly not the hero, the rescuer, or the saviour. That’s not who God has called me to be.

I am not the Holy Spirit.

This might seem obvious, but if I don’t remind myself of that every day then I get swallowed by the hurts and pains of the world. My compassion for my young people’s hurts subtly changes into fear that they’re hurting at all; my support for my leaders subtly changes into fear that they’ll hate me. Then I start serving for all the wrong reasons.

It’s more than just a hero complex (lots of youth pastors have that), it’s a deep-seated avoidance of pain.

I am not the Holy Spirit.

His job is not my job.

My job is to love, to worship, and to serve. To do the very best with what I have fully relying on God to help me, and trusting on Him in the middle of unresolvable chaos.

My job is to love, to worship, and to serve, it is not to ‘fix’ and it is not to do anything the Holy Spirit uniquely does. I’m on His team, but I am not Him.

Remembering this keeps me compassionate without reservation, it keeps me hoping without restriction, it keeps be useful without doubt, and it keeps me worshipping without qualification.

There is no greater lesson that I have learned than this (and I’m still in the process of learning it every day). I am not the Holy Spirit – and I was never supposed to be and this has never been required of me.

I am not God.

Maybe that seems like an egotistical lesson to learn, or even an obvious one, but this compulsion of divine pride – however it manifests itself in you – is at the absolute heart of all sin (re-read Genesis 3 – what was the tree of the knowledge of good and evil about if not our desire to reject and replace God?).

So friends, we are not the Holy Spirit. We’re just not. It’s just not required of us.

What does God want from you?

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
(Micah 6:8)

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”
(Mark 12:30-31)

Then they asked him, “What must we do to do the works God requires?” Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.”
(John 6:28-29)

All God wants from you is to be His. All He has ever required of you is to be His kid. You’re on His team, but you don’t need to do His job for Him.

I’ve noticed that a lot of people on TV (usually weird men) tell everyone about these ‘codes’ they live by. So here is my code:

– Love Jesus
– Love people
– Don’t be a jerk.

All the best!

 

Photo by Riccardo Annandale on Unsplash