‘The Awkward Bunch’ – Small Group Dynamics in Youth Work

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So small groups eh? The beating heart of youth ministry and my big passion! I started leading my first ‘koinos’ group at 14 in my parents house which turned out to be the busiest in the church – probably less to do with it’s ‘quality content’ and more to do with all the nonsense and chocolate I filled it with! That said, there’s not been a year since that I’ve not been involved in leading a small group of some sort.

A few days ago a I led a training session for North Wales youth workers on Small Group Dynamics. Below is the skeleton of my notes – minus the Acts 2:42-47 Bible Study we began with. These come from my own experience, some notes I took on a brilliant Mark Russel (CEO of Church Army) talk that I can’t find anywhere and this short simple document found here by Karl Leuthauser.

Below you will find:
– Small group personalities and characters
– How to respond to these in a group setting
– How to respond to these individually
– A one-liner on an effective group and an effective group leader – because we all love one-liners!

Small Group Personalities and Characters

Each small group is made up a various characters. Below is a list of the most likely characters you’ll run into in your small group. These don’t take into account age, experience, maturity, culture, context, personality type, or learning-style differences which will all also have an effect. And, truth be told, most people will be a mix of several rather than just one. People often change categories too for various reasons. However the principles remain the same when they appear, so have a read through and see if you recognize anyone…

Dominator
Always answers questions and wants the first and last word. Dominator often interrupts others, launches long monologues, and come across as needy or bossy. Dominator often tends to be right too (annoyingly!), and easily closes down conversations because of this. Dominator can be critical or dismissive of others, and as the name suggests, often ‘dominates’ the conversation by demanding attention.

Disappearer
The opposite of dominator – disappearer doesn’t answer questions voluntarily, and when called upon has the tendency to freeze, waiting awkwardly for you to pass them by. Disappearer often vanished into the background as if by magic. They can make a group feel uncomfortable and lead other characters to try to force them to interact.

Gladiator
Gladiator loves the arena! They want the debate, the argument, and to get it they tend to ‘take the other side’ – whether or not they actually hold that view. They are the devil’s advocate of the group. Gladiator can take you down unnecessary tangents and cause conflicts with your plan and with other members of the group. Groups often kick back at gladiator personally and hurtfully.

Placater
Gladiator’s opposite. Placater never wants the debate, is a master of sitting on the fence, and actively seeks to close down conflict and arguments. Placater shuts down helpful discussions and turns genuine, iron-sharpening-iron conversations into personal issues.

Lover
The answer is always ‘love’ in some form or another. ‘It’s because God loves us and we should love others’ is the stock response. They can come across annoyingly deep and hard to follow with less emotive sounding answers, thus lover too shuts down conversations. Lover also can be uninterested or even hostile to important and juicy topics like hell, punishment, judgement, sin, and wrath.

Downer
In some ways opposite to lover, downer seems to ‘bring things down.’ Downer has a tendency to give a negative spin on whatever answer they offer, and seem to be by nature glass-half-full. Downer is often hurtful, critical, biting, or sarcastic towards other members of the group and they noticeably blow off activity and discussions.

Missioner
Missioner has a ‘go out and do’ approach to every question. Missioner wants to be actively doing something rather than talking about something – so often appears disdainful of the small group idea. Missioner is often social-gospel focused and critical towards those who don’t appear to share their views.

Joker
Joker is there to be the class clown and often dissipates serious and deep moments of important discussions with jokes and humour. Joker always sees the funny side of everything however inappropriate and tends to be distracting when starved of attention for a while. Joker can independently see that your group never gets personal or deep about anything.

Educator
Tends to see every question as an opportunity to show off knowledge, and if they can’t they manipulate questions to fit what they do know. Educator likes attention for being ‘in the know’ and can take you on enormous detours from the subject or question.

Revealer
Doesn’t understand the socially acceptable and line between enough and too much information publicly. Revealer has a habit of pushing the ‘too much info’ button and sharing deeply personal and awkward stories that are too sensitive for the public nature of the group mid study. Revealer tends to be inward focused and moves attention onto themselves.

Solver
Solver is very analytical by nature and a big fan of the ‘rule of thumb.’ Solver often presents ‘easy’ and ‘obvious’ answers to complex, and broad questions and issues, and worse can give impersonal action points to another group member sharing a struggle. Solver can both override genuine experience and shut down needed conversations.

So did you recognize anyone? What about yourself? I tend to be a bit of gladiator and solver in most situations – however at Bible College, or situations where I feel intimidated I tend to be a mix of disappearer and educator. It’s worth saying that not all of these traits are necessarily bad – they can simply be undeveloped gifting, as we will see in the individual responses section. Also – in a strange way, God himself embodies some or all of these personality types in various ways for various purposes. So with all this in mind – what do we do with this odd bunch of people?

Group Responses

There are a few things we can do with the format, group setup, and general dynamics of a small group to allow these members to interact in a healthy and up-building way – or at least we can set the context for group health. Here’s a bunch of ideas in no particular order:

  1. Use names. Names are super important in small groups – they give a sense of belonging, ownership, and you can direct conversation away from characters who might steal from it, or towards those who wouldn’t otherwise engage.
  2. Plan a mix of both open and closed questions. Open questions have a high degree of subjectivity and are pretty hard to ‘get wrong.’ These allow more interaction from those who might talk less, makes answers less rigid, undercuts arguments/placating, and boycotts over specific closing-down answers. Closed questions are often more objective and renders monologues, rants, and question-manipulation more difficult.and Closed questions often require more thought and searching/probing out.
  3. The ‘Split & Feed’ Method. This is where you break the group into smaller groups (often pairs) and get them to discuss questions on their own and prepare to feedback to the overall group. This gives space for those who might normally not volunteer answers and guards against those who hijack discussions. You can do this to get different responses to the same question, give opportunities for creative retelling of stories, and generate talk where things have been quiet and unengaged. Be strategic with who you put with who! For example, disappearer and dominator would be a disastrous pair!
  4. The ‘Circle/Opt-Out’ Method. Here you ask a question and go around the circle giving everyone a opportunity to answer. You should encourage everyone to have a go, however provide an easy way to opt-out or let the question pass them by.
  5. Reflection Times. This is simply where you don’t ask for immediate answers, but get them to silently reflect for a while then feedback. You’re more likely to get genuine answers this way and give everyone a good opportunity to engage. This is also a great way of calming down an overly excited group.
  6. Good Social Times & Ice Breakers. A good time before the group begins to simply ‘hang out’ is a great way to integrate those who might be quiet otherwise, and to let those who hijack time to vent social steam and get their fix before you begin. This is a good reason to have an extra, un-busy leader to hang out with them to encourage inclusivity. Ice breakers too should be simple, not embarrassing (unless volunteer-based) and begin conversational momentum. I will post some thoughts on effective ice-breakers at some point.
  7. Ground Rules. These should be used to teach and re-enforce healthy group dynamics – they shouldn’t be used all the time as an Orwellian matter of course. Such rules could be, ‘only speak again when someone else has spoken,’ ‘1 minute or less answers,’ or using a ‘talking hat’ or ‘talking banana’ to hold or wear if they want to speak.
  8. Get Them To Take Responsibility. Talk to your group often about group integrity and the responsibilities they have towards each other. They should not be allowed to ‘police’ each other – but encouraged using carefully placed prayer and discussion to be self aware, encouraging, and understanding towards each other as part of your group applications.

Individual Responses

Here’s a bunch of basic ways to respond to each of the 11 characters above.

Dominator
– Use directive body language, eye contact, and names to sometimes clearly avoid them
– Give gentle correction, such as “sorry matie, but I want to give someone else a chance to speak…’
– In a one-to-one setting encourage their enthusiasm and try and help them take responsibility for the group. A ‘secret sign’ like a wink could be a trigger on which you agree together to allow them room to speak when the group is going quiet – giving them a leadership purpose
– Get them to lead a session!

Disappearer
– Through gentle coaching and encouragement allow them space to answer questions. Give them plenty of positive reinforcement when they do, let them know how valuable their input is – but don’t push them
– Use split & feed, and mix it up often so they have opportunities to meet everyone personally

Gladiator
– Make space in your program for debate. One of the ways to do this is ‘role play’ where you break everyone into pairs and give each member a view to hold. This makes debates less personal
– When there’s disagreement, place the focus on the issues not the people
– When they add disagreement, get them to be specific and clearly articulate it
– Get them to moderate a debate (rather than engage in one)

Placater
– Step in and make the conflict apersonal – i.e. make it about the views held, not the people holding them
– If a disagreement arises, take the two views and take them to their extremes (eg. rather than ‘maybe there’s freewill // no there’s not’ to ‘God gives us absolute, autonomous freedom // we’re all God-programed robots’) and get the whole group to discuss the pros and cons of each position
– Enforce security and care over arguments; affirm the people and positions held – more on how to do this another time

Lover
– Same answer to any ‘closing down’ question: develop the answer with how, what, when, where, or why. So how is love the answer, what kind of love, when does that apply, where was that shown, or why is love like that? etc.

Downer
– Encourage them to try and reframe their answer using positive language while still affirming the point they made
– Use humour to deflect the issue, “yes we are doing that, and as a special treat you get to be my partner!”
– A one-to-one talk about why they’re approach is so critical and negative might be worthwhile

Missioner
– Teach on the importance of prep and reflection to effectively ‘go out and do’ also teach on calling and how God equips people differently for different ministry
– Run a group mission! Get missioner to help organize and run it

Joker
– When humour is not appropriate, don’t laugh and pointedly move on
– In a one-to-one, talk with them about the importance of going deep and how they could use humour constructively. Encourage them in it as a gift that is great in the right place
– Get them to lead an ice-breaker

Educator
– Specifically call them on staying on topic while affirming their answers. Sometimes ask them when they begin to talk to think whether or not they are on topic.
– Get them to prepare 5 minute intros to themes and sessions on given topics.

Revealer
– While affirming the person and giving broad sympathy to the issue shared, redirect them to a more appropriate time to talk. Be direct but gentle

Solver
– Give clear empathy towards the person who’s problem they are ‘solving’ allowing them the space to struggle in a more complex way – redirecting away from the solution given and giving permission for more exploration
– Have a one-to-one, talking about complexity and irrationality as important parts of the journey
– Get solver to plan the study questions with you, talk about potential answers with them

An Effective Group…

… is a clear discipleship and fellowship ground where every member is comfortable with who they are in the group – and have the ability to use their specific gifts and characteristics to add to the group.

An Effective Leader…

… sees themselves more as a facilitator of learning and maturity, who is clear, firm, gentle, empathetic and constructive.

Conclusion

So there’s a bunch of stuff on small group dynamics and personalities – hopefully some of it is helpful.

Managing difficult groups

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Working With Introverted Young People

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A few months ago I appeared on the fantastic youth ministry podcast ‘The Longer Haul‘ to talk about ministering to introverted students. This is an issue that keeps coming up, and I think represents one of the fundamental missteps youth ministry can take.

For those of us who prefer reading to listening, I’ve taken some of my key thoughts from the podcast and written them up here as notes. Enjoy!

The Extrovert Epidemic

Much of our youth ministry is focused towards the extrovert. This follows a cultural pattern of being extrovert-driven too. Our school rooms and classes, for instance, are geared towards controlling and regulating the extrovert by putting them in rows, or engaging and energising the extrovert by pushing group discussions and activities. Also, modern offices are moving towards more open plan layouts, instantaneous planning sessions, and group enterprises.

In youth work we’re very adept at running youth work projects and particularity events; “everybody jump or I’ll squirt you with this water pistol!” But it even exists in our naturally quieter, small group ministry, “everybody go round and tell us something interesting about yourself.”

This creates a subliminal constant message that the introvert is not as able as the extrovert.

Jody pointed out in the interview that often youth ministries take on the character of their leader. Very true! There are of course many extroverted youth workers, especially new or younger youth workers, as extroversion is not necessarily the best ingredient for longevity. Introverts more naturally allow their teams to outgrow them, run with ideas and create a space and flavour that reflects more than one person. Introverts often create safer boundaries, develop more realistic goals and allow more open dialogue for change.

Extroverts may need to learn this behaviour, as they are often the charismatic force that drives content, holding ideas close, while not always delegating effectively. This of course is not always true, but the intro-extroversion line seems to me to be a key player.

I believe that youth ministry models and strategies, on a whole, tend to lean towards the extrovert. It certainly seems, at least, that developing extroverts in youth work is more well-established. So we will attempt here to bring in some balance, by developing specific ideas for developing introverts.

What Is An Introvert?

We often hear introversion linked with shyness, and extroversion with boldness. Although there can be links, it doesn’t take more than an amateur pop psychologist to tell you that this is a false assumption to make all the time. You can easily by a shy extrovert or an outgoing introvert.

I think about introverts using two sides of a coin. On one side is ‘how are they energised’ and on the other, ‘how do they process information.’

Energy?

An extrovert is energised by social stimulus in various forms (what kind depends on the extrovert), whereas the introvert tends to be drained by that. Both might enjoy going to a party, but while the extrovert may come back energised – like they have received from it, the introvert might want some down time – feeling like they have given out.

Information?

An extrovert tends to process verbally. When responding to a question they start speaking, showing their working until they get to an answer – you see the process and various types of responses and working out along with perhaps several answers. This is why extroverts are sometimes seen as rude through impatience. An introvert processes internally. They stop, think for a minute about what the question means, what else it could mean, what they know, how an answer could sound, how else it could be phrased etc. This happens internally an is why introverts are sometimes seen as rude through withdrawal.

This also might be why we as youth leaders subliminally prefer talking to extroverts. They provide more real time feedback on the conversation without looking like they are glazing over. It’s too easy to assume that the introvert is angry at us, or just bored or afraid when they are 1. giving us energy just by being there and 2. internally processing.

Bring It Together

When you put the energy (down time, reflective, away from most social stimuli) and the process (internal, cognitive) together you get your introvert.

It is of course very possible to be an internally processing extrovert, or an introvert who is energised by carefully cultivated social times. Just one of the reasons we shouldn’t be too prescriptive with any of this!

5 Principles For Introverted Youth Ministry

Jody pointed out that you will need both introverts and extroverts on your team to reach a diverse group. He’s bang on the money again, and we will now talk about putting some principles in place to get the most out of exactly this kind of team. Both introverts and extroverts will need to learn new habits and develop a wider awareness and tolerance, which, if trained and led well, will lead to quality, long-lasting youth ministry!

This requires more than just giving introverts space, as the extrovert will be tempted to fill any space that you give. This needs a rethink of our models to develop introverts intentionally and consistently alongside extroverts. Hopefully these 5 principles will be a good start to this process.

1. Stop using the word ‘everybody’

“Everybody get up and jump!”

“Everybody stand up and stay something about yourself!”

That little word ‘everybody’ can send fear right down the spine of the introverted young person, especially if you give them no time to think and process first. Look instead for inclusive but not expected phases that create safe opt-out spaces in your programs and sessions which allow young people to not engage with aspects of the activities without just dropping off the face of the planet.

2. Look For Ways To Show Value

Introverts (like all of us) need to know they are valued for who they actually are, not what an extroverted-youth-programs make them think they should be. One of the best ways to do this is to develop active listening skills. That’s listening which holds eye contact, makes affirming relevant gestures, repeats back what was said, and develops their side of the conversation over yours.

This is essential when they make a contribution to the group. You need to point to it clearly showing that you have understood their intentions and believe that it is valuable. This is something they will go away and process and become part of their historic experience with you – that you are someone who values them within their identity.

3. Stop, Look, Listen

It’s sometimes easier to spot the behaviours of the extrovert, which tend to carry less subtly in a group. We need to be watching the introverts, noticing what they do, and pointing to it. It’s all too easy to look through the introvert to the active extrovert behind them. Take the time to be with them certainly, but notice them when you’re not. We need to be present to and with our introverted young people consistently.

Be a youth leader who sees, hears and notices. Then names it.

4. Create Opt-Out Spaces

Similar to stop using the word ‘everybody’ this is about creating re-energising, processing times and spaces for the introvert. Make space for young people not to be part of everything. This will need some rethinking of our models.

Assuming that all your young people will equally want to do all activities is one thing, but forcing an introvert into a highly uncomfortable extrovert game is going to create a fight or flight response that’s going to be hard to forget – or forgive. So ‘up front’ games and questions should be voluntary – not pointing and naming. Group games and activities should be designed so they are easy to jump in and out of too. Ice-breakers should be easy enough to pass on too. It should be enough to say “I’m Tim, hi!” without having to then go on to explain my 14 favourite types of spatula… unless of course I want to!

This works for spaces too. Youth rooms tend to be noisy and busy, the layout is activity-driven. So having spaces that work for the introvert is a must. We have a ‘quiet room’ in our group setup with head-phoned music, books, colouring, beanbags and simple games. Conversation in their is kept to a minimum.

This is essential because a big fear for the introvert is letting people down;

“If I don’t participate, I’ll let my team down.”

“If I don’t say something, then I’ll let the leader down.”

These times and spaces should be intentional expectations for the fabric of the group – so rather than ‘letting us down’ they are participating in how the group is supposed to work.

5. Cultivate A Culture Of Conversation

Introverts can be incredibly creative and intelligent, and can be amazing conversational partners. In our youth ministry programs, however, sometimes the only time we give to conversation is before or afterwards, or during the break. This is not intentional conversation.

Developing real intentional conversation within our programs needs us to dramatically rethink the content. During one of our groups ‘Redefine’ we make sure every element (talks, prayer, worship, games) each has a give and take philosophy. Talks and teaching always encourage interruptions, we regularly run Q&A, and we put music up on the screen so they can bring their own instruments with them. Everything invites them to participate and add to the conversation. We also run TED nights where they bring their own talks and teaching.

Developing this as a culture – so a regular part of what you do – actually creates a lot more safety and sure-footing for the introvert as well as some healthy engagement for the extrovert. It’s win-win.
Find Out More

This is just the cliff notes of a great 50 minute conversation with Jody. Check out the whole thing at The Longer Haul here. Or on the iTunes podcast here.

This is an ongoing conversation – if you’ve got anything to add, please get in touch, or comment below. 🙂