An open letter to a smart person who likes being a smart person from another smart person who also likes being a smart person.

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Dear smart person

Hello smart person, I’m a smart person too. Isn’t that great? I have a high IQ, top marks, and regularly use the words ‘paradigm’ and ‘praxis’ in clever sounding sentences. I also own a fern.

I really like being a smart person – it’s a significant part of my identity. When I was growing up, I was bullied for being ginger, skinny, and mostly ginger. I also knew, however, that I was smarter than the bullies. This is why on my last day of High School I purposely crashed the school computer network, including all of their accounts.

When my ‘smartness’ gets shaken, however, so does everything else about me – like a house of cards built on a bowl of jelly. When people around me don’t ‘get it’, or reduce ideas down to minimal complexity for the sake of a smart-sounding soundbite, I want to throw my abacus right out of the pram! When other smarter people out-smart me by their clearly superior smartness, then I want to throw myself out the pram.

Sometimes it’s just hard being smart. Here, therefore, are a few tough life lessons for fellow smart people from a smart person.

1. Smart doesn’t need to equal arrogance. I find this really hard (see everything above)! However, you can dial up one without dialling up the other. It’s possible – trust me!

1, again… but said better. Smart people don’t actually need to be jerks.

2. A smart thing to do is to surround yourself with people who are smarter than you. A really smart thing to do is surround yourself with people who are smarter than you and disagree with you. If you’re the smartest person in the room, you probably need to be in a different room.

3. Being smart has very little to do with being right. It has a lot to do with being considered. Being smart has even less to do with being in charge.

π. Being smart sometimes makes you very stupid. And that’s ok.

4. Properly smart people ask more questions than they give answers. They also like to think about their answers before they give them.

5. Smart people usually like nuance not absolutes.

6 through 10. Smart linguistic thinking is different to smart critical thinking, which is different to smart social understanding, which is different from smart proactive thinking, which is different from smart reactive thinking. This is different from smart abstract thinking, which is different from smart mechanical analytical thinking. This is different to smart thinking under pressure, which is different to smart problem solving, which is different from smart creative solution finding (honestly). This is different from smart observing clearly, which is different from smart tracking ideas clearly, which is different from smart opening ideas up, which is different from smart narrowing results down. This is different from smart doing well with details, which is different from smart being a ‘big picture person’. You get it? Being smart doesn’t mean being ‘smart.’

11. Smart thinking has as much to do with the theory and method of thinking (epistemology) as it does to the contents of what is being thought. It’s smart to know that not everybody does this.

12. Smart people need to be patient! Very patient. Silly Patient.

13. Smart people understand that others are probably being very patient with them.

14. Smart people will be very lonely people if they can’t learn to be compassionate people. They will also be lonely if they can’t develop a – sometimes silly and pointless – sense of humour and know when to switch off.

15. Smart people know when to switch off.

16. Smart people know when to switch off.

17. Smart people know there is someone smarter than them somewhere in the world, and will find that smarter person, kill them, and eat their brains. Really smart people know there is someone smarter than them somewhere – and will deal with it.

18. Smart people know that they don’t need everyone to know they are a smart person (I’m really working on this… although this letter probably isn’t helping).

19. Smart people don’t need to make other people feel stupid. In fact, if they’re being smart then they really shouldn’t.

20. Smart people use their brains to change the world along with the rest of the world who are using their own gifts. They don’t just comment on it from their keyboard in their pyjamas.

That reminds me, I’ve got stuff to do.

Thanks folks!

Sincerely

Smart person.

 

 

Photo by Olav Ahrens Røtne on Unsplash

Is UK youth ministry too American and too male? – A response.

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I love the blogosphere in youth ministry. It’s really important to have regular conversing voices on the table sharpening our work. One of the better youth ministry blogs out there is James Ballentine’s. James is a great thinker with bags of experience. I particularly would like to recommend:

What if our youth practices are the trigger for young peoples challenging behaviour.

What role do you want young people to have in church?

and

Accepting rest amid the storm

Last weekend James published an important challenge about American influence and male dominance over youth ministry – particularly in publishing. It was a stark challenge, and I think he is absolutely right! Many people have engaged with the post on twitter, and I’m glad that it is gaining traction.

I’m James’ brother on both of his issues, however I feel that without recognising some omissions he made, a reader could easily assume that I’m his opponent. This is not the case, and for posterity I would like to make that abundantly clear.

I stand with him on both issues – particularly the second. Youth workers, we must do better to support the immense and important ministry of our highly gifted and qualified sisters in Christ. Sometimes that just means us getting out of the way, but other times, like James has, we need to make noise.

The unfortunate thing, however, is that James used a recent post of mine as a springboard into his two points, and – I’m sure unintentionally – made me look like a bit of a negative poster-boy of those issues.

I think this is a little unfortunate. I’m sure James didn’t mean to hurt me or steer people into labelling me either. Perhaps in his rush to get to the meat of the issue, I just suffered the whip of his brevity.

In that vein I’d like to post a couple of clarifications in the hope that gracious conversation and level hearts will prevail.

(Quick note: I sent this to James before posting, and he responded incredibly graciously and humbly. Full credit to him!)

American Influence

Yup. Bang on! Youth ministry is a multi-million-dollar exercise across the pond, and frankly it only gets the financial dregs over here in the UK. The differences between the two are significant.

A while back I wrote this post – identifying just a few of the differences we should be aware of. It’s not a full picture, and – as someone rightly pointed out to me recently – it woefully neglects the specific issues of gender, race, and disability. There’s obviously much more to be said.

It’s also important to understand that YouthWorkHacks is read by an equal mix of both US and UK practitioners, and my list intentionally reflects that readership.

Selective use of my post

James’ post bypasses my careful and specific mentions of American influence.

Most importantly under the heading ‘Elephants in the room’ I write:

“Some books I’ve missed out not because they’re unsound or unhelpful, but because they really only work for an American context, and prove less useful over here in the UK. They include Purpose Driven Youth Work by Doug Fields and This Way to Youth Ministry by Duffy Robbins. Great books in their place, but that place is probably not post-Christendom 21st Century UK.”

Also, under Senter I write: “it needs to be read alongside something like Pete Ward’s Growing Up Evangelical for a UK perspective.”

And under Fields: “it’s probably more helpful for an American context, or for bigger churches, but still full of wise tidbits nonetheless.”

I think it’s an oversight to not mention any of this awareness when highlighting the list for being heavily American influenced.

The list in my post reflects the nature of the publishing market – which I think is the better thing to critique, rather than my favourite few from it.

Finally, I’m sure the five American authors in the list would themselves like me to point out that, in the case of all but Doug Fields, they are strong advocates against traditional American youth ministry. Their books (particularly DeVries) are actually very helpful for a UK context regardless of their origin.

Women authorship

I am a passionate advocate for women in Youth Ministry. My young people need their voices, and so do I as a leader.

This is why over half of the contributors to YouthWorkHacks are women. My own book includes two amazing sidebars written by women: Dr. Sam Richards and Rachel Turner. You can see a little more of my heart for women in youth ministry – along with more on the extent of the problem – here.

That said, more can and should be done, and I’m in a position of influence to give more ears to the issue. I’m happy to do so and James has challenged me to do exactly that.

The issue again, however, is the shape of the market, not my selections from it.

Very few youth ministry books are authored by women, although there are fabulous titles written by women (God-bearing Life by Kenda Creasy Dean, or Youthwork by Sally Nash for instance). This is slightly easier in the family’s ministry world. The only books I mentioned in my post under this category are written by women: “Check out anything by Rachel Turner, or the classic Family Ministry by Diana Garland.”

I would also like to take this opportunity to celebrate the amazing women heading up a lot of the accredited youth ministry training in the UK. This includes Alice Smith at St. Mellitus, Alia Pike at Nazarene, Mel Lacey at Oak Hill, Dr. Sally Nash at CYM, and – until very recently (soon to be Dr.) Carolyn Edwards at Cliff College, and now York Diocese. There’s a significant amount of influence in shaping the development of future practitioners. The extent of their reach is exponential and I look forward to more books because of it!

James is right though. We all have to do better, and I would like to be a part of the effort.

Conclusion

James is bang on about the issues, however I felt compelled to write this to show that I’m with him and not against him.

I’m glad James posted the link to my original post, but without reading that, or knowing me personally, and without any statement from James to the contrary, the reader will likely equate me with those issues, which I think is unfair.

I hope I have done enough here to show that these issues have been with me already for some time, which is why I appreciate James’ fiery passion, and want to stand with him on the front line.

In Christ.

Tim

(Quick note: I sent this to James before posting, and he responded incredibly graciously and humbly. Full credit to him!)

Photo by Freddy Castro on Unsplash

Dear Pastors, please protect your youth workers

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Over the last few years I’ve been collecting stories of youth workers who have had terrible times in their job because the pastor didn’t know how to properly mediate between themselves and the church.

A year or so after first starting full-time youth ministry, I had my very own initiation to this issue. I had run my first very large holiday club and someone on the team had decided to create, distribute and compile people’s feedback of the event. That was a good idea!

What this person actually did, however, was to take in the feedback forms, distill all the ‘good’ feedback into 4 very clipped bullet points, then proceed to berate me personally across 10 pages of ‘negative’ feedback. It was deeply personal, it was heavily exaggerated, and frankly it was legally slanderous.

To make matters worse, this heavily biased feedback report was then circulated to 40 members of the church leadership and holiday club team which included several young teenage helpers.

It wasn’t sent to me. Instead, I found out about it when three young people came to me incredibly upset, saying they never wanted to serve in that church again. They didn’t just disagree with the feedback, they were shocked that a Christian could speak so ungracefully about another person.

As a 21-year-old youth worker, I was totally broken. I took this to my two Senior Pastors who were equally shocked and dismayed. They went through the tirade with me point by point, to see whether there were actually some genuine areas that needed to be improved upon. Mostly it simply came down to producing earlier communication, and trying to print T-shirt logos straighter.

What didn’t happen, however, was any conversation with the person that compiled the feedback. They were not challenged or rebuked. There not held accountable to what they produced, and no further communication happened with the 40 recipients of the report.

I was left totally confused and vulnerable.

Not only did I feel abandoned, but the lack of response gave the person who made the report free license to continue to make my life difficult in the following years. They served in a position on the church council, and continually destabilised my work personally.

This was 10 years ago now, but it still smarts. There’s no closure and nothing that can be done about it. It needed a firm, and properly directed response from the person charged with my car. But to maintain decorum, and out of fear, I was left without protection.

This comes up now because recently I’ve heard three more stories similar of youth workers who have lost health, security, and jobs because the Pastor failed in one of their most basic tasks.

Dear Pastors…

I know you have a very difficult job, but get your priorities straight. Your first task is to be responsible for those under your immediate care. That’s your family, and then your team. Youth Workers have it hard. They are often young, inexperienced, with new families, and thin skin. Don’t train them to defend themselves from the congregation they need to integrate within.

Sometimes, Mr Pastor, you have to be the bad cop, and take the very special care of those charged was looking after the most vulnerable members of your congregation.

An open letter to Nitin Passi CEO of ‘Missguided’

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Missguided HQ
Missguided Ltd,
75 Trafford Wharf Rd,
Trafford Park,
Manchester
M17 1ES

@Missguided
@Missguided_help

 

06 Aug. 2017

Dear Nitin Passo, CEO

I am a youth worker with over a decades’ professional experience working with teenagers and vulnerable young people.

I was horrified to learn that your brand store in Bluewater Shopping Centre, Kent, has a large neon sign reading ‘Send me nudes X.’ It may be that you’re ignorant to either the sexual pressures of young people, or the law regarding sexting culture.

Young people are under enormous pressure to produce and send sexually explicit pictures of themselves via the internet and on their smart devices. Childline, the NSPCC, and the The UK Home Office classify pressuring young people to ‘send nudes’ as abuse.

Legally, asking a young person to ‘send nudes’ is asking them to engage in the creation and distribution of child pornography. Your sign, thus your brand, is complicit in that.

Legality aside; if you had spent any real time with a sixteen year old consumer who had followed your advice to ‘send nudes’, then you would witness first-hand the destruction that such a simple act creates. You would see the wake of broken relationships, emotional havoc, and intense bullying. You would learn about moved schools, social service involvement, police case numbers, and court hearings.

You would see childhood robbed in a moment of poor decision making. Your sign, thus your brand, is complicit in that.

As a brand marketing to the 16-35 year old female consumer bracket, having such a sign on your wall is simply shameful and reckless. You have a responsibility to liberate the girls to which you sell your clothing, helping them to feel empowered and stand against the abusive peer pressure they increasingly face.

Please. Remove this sign, and consider the awesome influence you have on the lives of young people.

In the meantime, I will continue to work with the young people you are treating so cavalierly, helping to pick up the pieces. I will also use my own influence to encourage young people to boycott your brand and affiliates.

Tim Gough

Open letter to Mike Jeffries, CEO at Abercrombie and Fitch

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Mike Jeffries
CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch
6301 Fitch Path
New Albany
Ohio 43054
USA

11th May 2013

Dear Mr Jeffries

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your helpful and up-building words to young men and women in the west.

As a youth worker, I spend a lot of time listening to the trivial  and disparaging woes of teenagers, and if they just understood that they will never belong with the “cool, good-looking people” then maybe I could catch a break.

If I could just explain to Tony as simply as you did that some people just “don’t belong” because they don’t have the “Washboard stomach” or look as if they’re “about to jump onto a surfboard” then maybe he will stop cutting himself. If I told Dory that she simply isn’t one of the “hot” or “cool kids … with a lot of friends” and simply isn’t supposed to fit into your “cute underwear for little girls” she will stop starving herself to death. Perhaps with that clarifying approach to social standards and self-esteem they will get on with life and succeed at whatever it is the sub-attractive people do. Working in an Cambodian A&F sweat shop perhaps?

If the young people that I work with every day just got that there’s an in and an out – and that they are out – then perhaps they would just stop trying, and get out of the beautiful people’s faces. As you so delicately put, they are not the people you want!

Perhaps it was the dim lights, the lack of air conditioning, the supermodel staff, the soft-pornography walls, or the purple haze of the latest scent – but when I was last in A&F I swear I had an out-of-body experience. Floating in a corner above the plus sizes (6 I believe?), and the ‘eye-candy’ labeled thongs in the kids section, I looked down at my self in horror! Not being one of the cool kids with my shock of ginger hair and lanky frame I realised I was trespassing on some exclusive nirvana, and I was dragging down the image of the store and the unsuspecting beautiful people within. Needless to say I left as quickly as I could without buying anything – as I’m sure you’ll appreciate.

So again, thank you. Thank you for being such an understanding, knowledgeable, experienced sage. Thank you for giving young boys and girls the crushing dose of reality that my counselling just doesn’t achieve. Thank you for dashing dreams, breaking hearts, locking doors and seeing that yet another generation grows up with fingers down their throats and photo-shopped pinups on their walls. Thank you for saying what needs to be said from your lofty position of popular culture. Thank you for continuing to make money the easiest way possible – by making teenagers afraid to be who they are and exploiting their fear. Thank you. perhaps now I will be able to get some much needed beauty sleep.

Yours sincerely

Tim Gough

——–

Other open letters online:

Andrea Neusner – Huffington Post

Sheila Moeschen – Huff Post Comedy

Dear ‘Free Hugs’ Guy… please stop

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Why, oh why must you do it? You wait by the entrance to the main tent every year with your cute pseudo-homeless cardboard sign, not so much offering as demanding that people hug you. And if we don’t hug you, you act like we just blended your kitten, and everyone around looks at us like we work for Nazi Germany. Sometimes when we don’t hug you, you bar our way, and that one time we did hug you, you let out that strange little noise and held on just too long. It’s. Just. Creepy.

Some people don’t actually do well with physical contact from strangers, and feeling judged or ridiculed for this is really not helpful. Some young people that come to camp have a genuinely problematic history with physical contact, and trust has to be earned before you get that right. Some people (like me) are just not ‘huggy’ people. I enjoy a good cuddle with my wife, but that’s a context you don’t need to go anywhere near.

And how old are you? If you are an adult looking for a prolonged physical contact with as many young people you can find, then there are some other people that I’d like to call. If you are young person, it might be useful for you to know that you are safeguarding nightmare.

There’s nothing really wrong with a hug, but a pressurised hug with a stranger? And with young people and children that you know nothing about? It’s also a bit weird when you’re asking leaders who’ve been through Safeguarding and Child-Protection training and police checking to get huggy with unknown and possibly vulnerable young people.

I know – most likely – that you just want to spread a little love around. Great! Are there not two billion other ways which you could do that? Camps are always looking for volunteers: Work in the kitchens, do some setup, get on the prayer team and do something, y’know, that isn’t a risk assessment nightmare.

I’m sure I look like a killjoy, but unlike you I’ve spent years pouring into the lives of young people with varied difficulties, carefully cultivating a healthy, trusting relationship with them. I know them. I know that these small gestures that makes them feel violated or judged does not help! Your pop-psychology googleomics class not withstanding, these things stick and they linger and they undo good work.

I’m sure in most cases the ‘free hugs’ thing is fine – but how many hugged and unhugged people did you let go by without a second thought for the real issues that you may have, inadvertently, and absentmindedly stoked.

If you really need that many hugs – go to your group or your family. Or – in all love – find some real help. And if you are that creepy adult… please stay away from my group.

Yours sincerely

A career youth leader with vulnerable young people.

Tim