One of the worst pieces of advice I was ever given

This is related to a post I put up a few weeks back on part of my journey with bullying when I worked for the Church of England. About ten years ago I decided to share some of this story of abuse with a Christian leader at a conference who was offering to talk and pray with people over exactly these kinds of stories.

When I mustered up the courage to go and talk to him, I felt so overcome that all I could get out was that I had worked previously for a church, and that they didn’t treat me very well. He did pray for me, very briefly and generically, and then said something before running off abruptly at the end which now on reflection, I realised was really not helpful at all.

He said, ‘Tim, I don’t think anyone is holding on to this now accept you.’

At first I tried to find that liberating. I tried to think that it gave me the power to fix it all by myself. Like my pain was in my hands. This is only a half-truth though. In reality, because of where I was in my journey, it just ended up making me feel even more isolated and alone. It made me feel like I was just being silly; that I must have been hanging on to the pain out of spite, and that I was over-victimising myself. I started to imagine just how ‘over it’ everyone else was and how little effect it had had on those who had hurt me. The worst of it was when it turned out that I couldn’t just let go, move on, or ‘fix it’, it just left me feeling more powerless, defensive, and afraid.

And that was the last time I ever asked for prayer for healing on this issue.

How we respond to stories like these matters. Empathy, active listening, compassion are all essential tools – and none of them take a degree in theology. We don’t have to have clever prophetic-sounding answers, just ears that listen and a heart that cares. When someone shares a story with us we should feel responsible not important.

This post is just to gently say take care in how you respond to people’s stories. They are precious things and often offered with great vulnerability.

Photo by Hello I’m Nik on Unsplash