Let’s talk about toxic people…

*Deep breath*

‘Toxic people’ in and of itself, is a toxic phrase. It can too easily lead us to write off huge swaths of needy, afraid, and hurting people by cavalierly labelling them and subsequently downgrading their social status in our minds. That seems a wee bit rude does it not?

So, let’s start with that. Not all ‘toxic people’ are actually toxic people, we just need to learn to be kinder, more understanding, and actively compassionate. Foibles, bad habits, eccentricities, personality differences, or slow personal growth don’t necessarily make someone ‘toxic.’

Some people are not toxic people at all, they are just ill-fitting in the positions we have them in. Because of this they can come across as disruptive, clumsy, inept, rude, dismissive, or even borderline abusive. These can sometimes be signs of a good person in the wrong role, rather than a toxic person just being toxic. Maybe have the conversation?

Some people are not toxic but are neurodivergent in a way you might not recognise – and they might not either. Educate yourself and shift your habits and attitudes with them.

Some people are not toxic people, you just don’t like them. That’s fine at one level as long as you’re able to look it in the face, try to understand the nature of it, try to live with it respectfully… and maybe try fix it.

Other toxic people are only a little bit toxic. This is often because they are hurt, fearful or a mixture of both. To defend themselves they might have adopted some ‘toxic’ habits such as storytelling (nice word for lying), attention seeking, projecting, gossiping, exaggerating, judging, showing a general lack of awareness or empathy, having an increased obsession with conspiracy, needing to be ‘in the know’, being constantly passive-aggressive, being highly critical or controlling, fixating on irrelevant details, having an unpredictable or reactive character, or even just being a bit rude.

There are some toxic habits, that even people who are just a little bit toxic could have, that are always inappropriate in a youth club setting. These include being prone to anger, having a threatening posture (or actively making threats), being highly interrogative or openly hostile. That person is to be removed from leadership immediately.

Some toxic people are not actually toxic people; however, they might be – genuinely – toxic to us. There might be behaviour patterns, personality clashes or conversational habits that trigger us in various ways. Sometimes we need to recognise this and learn to deal with it, other times we need to remove ourselves from these people. Note, that’s not removing them from us. It’s our stuff, not theirs.

Some people are actually toxic people, but only at certain times or on certain topics. It might be you can gently nudge them during periods of non-toxic lucidity or try to limit their exposure to toxic-behaviour triggers (assuming you’re in a position to do so).

Some people are toxic because they’re just really, really hurt. You don’t have to give them any say or authority over your life, but you also can’t control how they feel. Pray for them, and – If you can/it doesn’t put you in harm’s way – gently nudge them towards help.

Some people are toxic because they simply haven’t learned to be mindful or own their feelings. This is an abstract idea we usually develop in childhood, but things like trauma can really mess with that. This makes taking responsibility, apologising, or being empathetic very difficult for them. That’s really sad.

Toxic people are not necessarily ‘bad’ people, and they’re not even always wrong. Recognise your own habits around them and apologise when you should.

You might even be a toxic person in some form. Due to your own hurts or fears you might draw unnecessary attention to yourself, be drawn to create conflict, desire to pull others into your fantasies, demonstrate a lack of empathy, struggle with severe jealousy or paranoia. It’s worth looking these things honestly in the face and seeking help. It’s ok. Really. I’ve had my own struggles and we’re all broken people. Clearing toxic behaviour from your life is part of growing to become more like Jesus. Remember, God is good and there’s always help to be had.

Some people are toxic people medically, but without a diagnosis. They could be sociopathic, narcissistic, or even psychopathic – but without a formal understanding or any clinical support. This is tricky, and it’s worth knowing that – unless you’re actually a doctor – you’re not a doctor. It’s not appropriate for you to make a diagnosis of their chronic mental health for them or to others. However, tread with care and think about how to limit your exposure to them, and their exposure to vulnerable people. I think I’ve met maybe two or three people in this category and boy, did they cause some damage pretty much everywhere they went.

Some people are actually, clinically toxic – although that’s the wrong word. It would more likely be that they have some kind of Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD). Make sure you have some form of risk assessment for individuals like this to limit their exposure to vulnerable people in your care and take a personal inventory on what place they should have in your life. More on that towards the end.

Properly toxic people can be dangerous, not just disruptive. They can be exploitive, irresponsible, and manipulative. They often lack empathy, guilt, remorse, or concern, and don’t learn from their mistakes. These are not people who should be leading in your groups. In this case, it may actually be better to have a messy removal than to continue putting people at risk.

You can manage your interactions with toxic people by taking care not to be drawn into their versions of reality, carefully but starkly challenging narratives (ideally by being frank, but without being personal), working through some conflict resolution with them, or even seeking mediation.

More personally, be mindful about how a toxic person makes you feel, try to care for them but remember it’s not your responsibility to fix them. Feel comfortable saying no, putting yourself first, unfollowing, unfriending, blocking, or even walking away. Pick your battles, focus on your own joys and positives. Be clear about your expectations, set clear boundaries and stick to them. Be friendly but pragmatic. Bottom line: Don’t take it personally.

Be aware of how much emotional energy you give to toxic people. We want to be a listening ear and a loving support, but if a person is fixated on creating negative environments, complaining constantly, demanding more empathy or sympathy all of the time, being openly distrustful, hijacking agendas with severe personal troubles, and largely failing to contribute anything healthy to your life or team, then they will suck you dry and leave you constantly exhausted if you let them. Love, pray, set boundaries and keep to them.

If you think you’ve got a toxic leader, move wisely. Discuss your situation with a line-manager or supervisor. Make objective notes on the behaviours that trouble you. If you and your supervisor agree there is a risk to vulnerable people or the functioning of the team, then start to put a plan together to address the person’s behaviour, and – if necessary – remove them from leadership.

Remember: God is always good; we’re all broken; we’re designed to live in healthy community; the world isn’t always helpful; we’re not called to do this alone; we can’t control how people feel; we should be mindful of our emotions and behaviours; messy is a better choice than messier; lead with love; always lead with love; seek compassion, and again – lead with love. You might be wrong. So, lead with love!

*Phew*.

Photo by Andre Hunter on Unsplash